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Lori's HeartbeatThis is where you hear it all...This is where I get to be real... February 23 I'm a re-gift.I keep getting nagged to blog. Gosh, sometimes, I have a lot to say. Sometimes I have things with meaning and maybe even a hint of insight. Sometimes, just a catch up on the happenings of life. But, I'm feeling like if I actually sit down and put my heart into words, it will be ugly--so ugly, perhaps, that those of you who think good things about me, may change your mind. I feel like a re-gift, a garage sale gift. My wrapping and ribbons are new and only slightly wrinkled. My expression hides well, the bag of stinky mush inside. I can't write. Not yet. I can't dump it all out, for fear of offending, surprising, and disappointing. It's just ugly in there, and it feels like it'll be a while before anything beautiful comes of it. So, hold onto your shorts. I'll blog again someday. But I just can't for now. February 13 It's almost Valentine's DayI am very aware that Valentine's Day is tomorrow. What's funny, though, is that for my sake, I couldn't care less. I expect no flowers, chocolates or special surprises for myself, and I am TOTALLY okay with that. I think those expectations began when Tim and I were dating. We tried to go out to dinner one night in Portland...on Valentine's Day, and oh my! We just wanted to eat and everywhere we went, we were met with 2 hour waits. So, we ended up at this delicious little hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant (the good ones are always holes-in-the-wall, aren't they?). We got our food to go and headed back to his house, which is where I discovered that my burrito was laced through and through with raw onions. I hate raw onions.
It was then that I decided I don't need Valentine's Day. I don't need to celebrate romance on the same day that everyone else in the whole world does. It's a great holiday. I appreciate the idea of it. I would just much rather have fresh tulips on my kitchen counter than roses which are way overpriced simply because it's February. I would rather come home to a clean shower (that I didn't have to scrub), than to waste money on expensive, but not so great chocolates. I would rather have a piece of jewelry that I've been eyeing (which doesn't happen very often) for our anniversary or just because than on the same day as every other girl. I would rather have a sweet e-mail, note, or text on some random Tuesday of any week than a heart shaped card from my husband. Since then, Valentine's day is simply a day to wear a red shirt and do special little things for the kids.
After all, it is mostly about the kids anyway, isn't it? We spent the day finding the just-right red and/or pink outfits, carried out our bags of cards and treats for the classmates, parties and fun at both schools, and indulging on a few more sweet treats than usual. And, we topped off the evening tonight with some fabulous playtime with the cousins, who are also sleeping over tonight. I've got a little special something for each of our kids, which I'll surprise them with in the morning after the cousins leave, and we'll just do this or that a little more special tomorrow. That's Valentine's Day at the Hewitts and honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. February 02 One Major Decision Down. Done.It's pretty typical of me to sweat and stew over major decisions (Shoot, I even sweat and stew over the little ones). I've had one fairly major one following me around like a black cloud for a good month, trying to decide what to do for Ben's schooling next year. For at least two years, I've been firm in thinking that when came the end of the his 4-year-old-preschool year, he would remain at his happy little private school and attend the class the call "Pre-K." It's magnificently designed for the kids that need an extra year, for one reason, or another between preschool and kindergarten. Because my little guy was born at the end of August, he technically meets the requirements to enter kindergarten next year by exactly 4 days, which means that if he starts kindergarten in the fall, he'll likely be the youngest in his class. But, having been a kindergarten teacher just before he was born, I was pretty firm in thinking that the best thing we could do for him was stall a little longer if possible at entering him into "real school." There are lots of reasons for this--boys typically (not always, so don't get your knickers in a wad), mature a little more slowly than girls. I wanted to give him a head start, and would rather that he be the oldest in his class than the youngest.
Now that it's time to make that decision, I found it hard to look at Ben objectively--not only as his mom but as a teacher. When I did, I realized that academically, Ben will probably be just fine in kindergarten--probably middle of the road. He learns quickly, but doesn't have the drive to learn new things that his sister did. Socially, he is immature, and I can see that. He doesn't have real friends. He has acquaintances, and kids he plays with in the different circles we run in. But, he doesn't have solid personal connections with anyone, really, other than his family. He's quite shy when it comes to large groups, and even now, in the middle of the school year, still becomes quite nervous to enter his classroom after being home for the weekend. And, if a stranger talks to him at the grocery store, forget about it. There will be no response, and instead, he very uncomfortably looks elsewhere, in hopes that the stranger won't see him if there is no eye contact. So, all that to say that still, in my heart, I knew that probably the best option for him was to have him do the pre-K class, and I was quite happy with that until...
Gosh, leave it to one little seed to wipe out what you think you know. It only took one comment from someone else (something like, "Are you sure that he won't be fine in kindergarten?"). Arrrgh! Suddenly the doubt was seeping in, and then...THEN! Then I got the sheet that explains the cost for pre-K. Let me tell you that it's a lot more costly than sending him to free public kindergarten! Of course, I'd thought of that too, as I'd processed everything, but this thought process was a good 2 year old, and never had I looked ahead 2 years and thought anything other than we'd be doing great financially by then...of course, I hadn't seen that recession thing coming.
I'd read the handouts from the school regarding registration for next year. I made a mental note that I needed to have made a decision by February 27, and then thought about and prayed about it daily. Last week, I set up a mini-conference with Ben's preschool teachers just because I wanted their opinions (mostly so that I could feel confirmed that I was indeed being an objective mom/teacher). Sure enough, they confirmed everything I knew was true, and I felt more sure than ever that pre-K was to be the best choice for my little August birthday guy. It just so happened that as I was leaving from my prescheduled 8:30 appointment before school, I saw quite a crowd gathering in the front office. When I asked the teacher what that was about, she informed that this was the first day of registration for current students, and that if I wanted a certain class, I'd better hurry. She was right--the line was long and I had a moment of panic.
So, all that to say, God answered my prayers, in lots of ways. He confirmed what I knew in my heart and gave me a peace about the decision, even when I didn't know where the funds would come from (and still don't...uh, tax returns? Please be big.) He arranged for me to have a before-school conference with the teachers on the very morning of registration when I didn't even realize that it was critical that I sign up so early (I thought I had til the 27th). He even arranged my place in line so that I was able to request the exact class that I had my heart set on, and leave with the principal's nod that he was indeed guaranteed a spot there.
There I stood in line when Tim brought Ben in to go to his class. He gave me a questioning look, and I said, "It's okay, babe! I'll tell you later!" He trusted me enough, and knew that I was passionate enough about making the right decision here, that he nodded, smiled, and supported the fact that I registered without confirming with him first. (Of course, we'd had the discussion many, many times, and he was not in the dark, but prayerfully left it primarily up to me because it's more "my thing.")
I just can't describe the relief I feel today...it's peace. It's not shifty doubt as I wonder if that really was the right thing to do. It's assured confidence. This is what the best choice for Benjamin is...and God made all the arrangements so that it could happen, including the finances (when He comes through in all the other areas, it's much easier to believe in faith that He'll follow through with the rest of the necessities). I'm so glad that I don't have to make these major decisions alone. January 28 My one-minute update...I feel a lot better today, both physically and in my
 . It's amazing how God uses people to say just what we need to hear (and not necessarily what we want to hear). I just spent an hour and a half hanging out with my cell group. They remind of what I need to be reminded of. They encourage me and care what's going on (even if I'm beating the same dead horse again!). They are just people, just like me, but we're all in different seasons of life, and I love that I can grow and learn from the seasons they've already been through.
Yes, I think my sad, tired heart of yesterday is on the mend again. My focus is aligned again.
You know...I think I might read A Purpose Driven Life again. Just seems like I would get even more out of it now than the last time I read it. Anyone want to read it with me?
I'm going to bed tonight with this old ragged verse going through my head again. I don't know about you, but I never grow tired of its truth.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
January 27 My 2-minute UpdateI don't think that I can find anything of substance in my mind...no eloquent words to inspire or deflate. I've been in the midst of this cold crud that my kids brought home over a week ago. Why is it that when they don't feel well, they just want mommy? They not only want me, they actually want to sneeze right on me, and cough right on me, and have me lay beside them while they struggle to fall asleep? And while it's nice to be wanted, it's not so nice to be in the thick of some nasty virus right about the time they're all back to their normal high pace activities. Don't they know that mommies don't have time to be sick?
It was interesting this time, this round of sickness at the Hewitt house. Brynne is typically my trooper. I would've put money on the fact that when she is sick she just lays around on the couch, sleeping and resting, and quietly looking at books until she bounces back to her normal chipper self. She rarely complains about anything. This time, oh my! I'm not sure if it's the strange effects of first grade peers or a sudden need for extra attention, but I was about ready to beat that sickness out of her just so she'd stop whining. Of course, I didn't beat her :). She did, however, require a little more patience and grace on my part, which I was happy to give her, considering I've required a little more lately as well.
Ben, on the other hand is typically the whiny one, and he tromped through three solid days of doozy cold symptoms like a champ. He was so congested that his nose actually bled from the pressure on several occasions.
And so, here we are. Kids are all moving again at top speed--it's back to dance, book club, school activities, church and fun stuff with friends. And thankfully, I'm on the downhill so I can actually see through the fog again.
It's my spirit that still seems to be foggy. I'm not sure what my problem is, but I'm hoping that I can drag myself outta the hole here pretty soon. I blamed it on being physically sick, but now I recognize it as more. I'm sick in my heart, and if the truth be told, I'd much rather deal with a few days of congestion and fever. I think that, again, I've allowed the enemy a foothold and you know when that happens, it gets harder and harder to make him let go. I'm feeling sad, regretful, even angry at times. But mostly, I'm keenly aware of my lack of faith (again) for my situation. As usual, I'm filled with faith for the circumstances of others. But, when it comes to the details of my own, it's hard to let it go, hard to trust that it'll be handled without my help. Even as I write this, I realize how ridiculous that is, how trustworthy is the God I serve. Why am I having such a hard time letting go of this? Is it because it's bigger than anything I've had to let go of before? Because my very security is at risk?
It's a struggle that I have no choice but to fight. So, I'll fight it again--with my weapons of prayer and persistence, I'll fight you again, stupid Devil. But this time, and I mean it, leave me alone! |
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